What's Worth It? by Tejal Doshi (15, India)*

[Content warning: self-harm]

She’s fighting it. She’s fighting it as hard as she can, trying to slip back into sleep, dark, oblivion, any place where she’s not awake. But consciousness is a restless visitor and the daylight pressing against her eyelids is very real. She’s still very alive.

A sharp pain spikes in her arms, hot as fire, and then everything — along with a headache — cascades upon her. Blood is everywhere. Her sight flashes black and white. She’s done it again.

---

A scream creeps up her throat and then rips it apart.

“Hey. Hey, hey,” a voice is saying.

She musters the courage to open her eyes and sees a face staring at her. Her older brother. Something twists in her chest, tightening her breaths.

“Sorry,” she whispers, but she’s only sorry that she’s alive. “I — I didn’t mean to — I was going to clean up but I fell asleep. I’m sorry, I’m a terrible person.”

“I’m sorry,” he says, “for not being there.” His voice shatters her. Again. Again.

“I’m sorry. It’s how I cope.” She chokes on her words, stiffening.

“Hey. Can we do something? You and me? Together?”

“What?”

“Let’s make a list of things that are worth it to keep going for. Okay? This isn’t the end. We’ll figure this out together. I promise you that. You’re not alone. You have me and our parents and we’re here for you.” He leans down and kisses her forehead. Then he crouches to clean up her mess. Her mess.

She knows he’s going to take her to the hospital next. She hates that place.

“I’m proud of you,” he says, straightening suddenly. “I know we don’t tell you that much. I’m proud of you.”

She stares at him, very aware of the crimson around her. The scars. “Why?”

“For being alive. For making it this far. You’re stronger than I could ever imagine.” His voice cracks. “I mean that.”

Silence.

“I know what’s worth it to keep going for,” she whispers. “You.”

​