Watching the Butterflies by Aly Rusciano (22, Tennessee)

[Content warning: medication usage, hallucinations]

The fog wraps around my head, pulling me away from reality and into a dull space of illusion and serenity. My limbs grow heavy and my breaths shallow. The thoughts I desperately held on to slip through my fingers, floating away into the unknown. I don’t care that my right arm is pinned between the bed and my side. I don’t care about anything anymore. All I can do is wait for the fog to take me into a deep sleep.

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I stare into the darkness, blinking until familiar shadowed shapes take the place of my furniture.
    
Every worry, fear, and doubt that comes to the front of my mind is swept away unintentionally—-a blanket of fog effortlessly dragging my thoughts away. I try to make it stop but I can’t think. I’m watching life happen through a haze I can’t escape. I feel myself screaming and kicking somewhere far away, but reaching that version of myself is impossible through all the smoke.
    
I watch my hand, a soft, black shape resting in front of my face.
    
The tips of my fingers begin to sparkle, a purple and pink glow warming my nose. I feel nothing as my fingertips dissolve into puffs of glitter that trickle around me.  
    
The veil of calm the fog laid over me is tugged on by that part of me deep in the smoke. I can feel her anxious and nervous screams as she realizes what is happening, but I can’t find a reason to care. I let the fog sweep her away. I want to watch the butterflies.
    
They sprout from my hand like flowers, uncurling their black and white wings to join the pixie dust that was once my skin. Their wings are silent as they flap around my room and sit perched on my arm. Soft kisses cover my body as they land, their tiny feet touching the delicate skin beneath my clothes.
    
Thousands upon thousands are born from my hand. I watch as they flutter, unfazed by the state of my hand or the impracticality of it.  
    
I want to watch the butterflies.  
    
    I want to watch the butterflies.  
    
        I want to watch the butterf
    
            I want to watch th
    
                I wa