They haunt me. Torture me. by Medumi Jindo (New York)

​They haunt me.
The dreams--
The memories--
The regrets--
you.

you showed up in my dreams today.
i think i was both happy but extremely sad.

because at the end of the dream,
i remember that i heard you whisper words of me, with your clique--
me and my sister.

i went over to that table,
but you wouldn't even tell me half of your gossip
then i asked one of my friends that was there with you,
he wouldn't tell me...
​                    but i said it was okay because i knew he didn't want to risk his friendship with you.

totally get it.

but why?

why would you talk about me?

and why would you talk to them about me but not have the courage to tell me directly?

oh, i hated that you--
that you were like this.
both of you.

it hurt.

but i saw you after,

for the first time in a while,
you were wearing a french braid,
playing the sport that i wanted to play in that group,
having fun

i hope you didn't notice me then--
but you probably did.

i hate how you always intimidate me,
make me fear,
make me insecure,
make me unme.

and i hate how i still think about you,
still have regrets about you.
still...miss you?

i know you're bad for my health
but--
            ...i don't know.
it’s not that i want you back--
it's what we could have been.
what you are doing to me.
                              you're torturing me.

oh, god.

They haunt me.
The dreams--
The memories--
The regrets--
you.

i hate it.
i hate it.

i hate it.

i just want to escape,
i just want them to disappear,
i just wish that i could go back in time--
but i don’t.

because maybe,
it was meant to be that way?
because maybe,
it's better this way?

because maybe,
this was my road to take?

oh, god.
oh, god.

help me.

and no matter how many good memories i make,
no matter how far i've gone since then,
no matter how long it has been--

They haunt me.
The dreams--
The memories--
The regrets--
you.

i want to move on already.
i want to get rid of you
from my head.

and,
all the memories--

the regrets--

but i can't--
but they keep on coming back--
​
they keep on haunting me.