Skin Like a Cage and Something Is Trapped by Kellen Ruiz (17, California)

[**Content warning: self-harm, dissociation**]

i want to claw apart my skin
because something's trapped inside 
(and i think that something's me) 

i want to claw apart my skin, to cut it open and let myself bleed out-
not to die, but to bloodlet, somehow removing sickness with leeches and pain
because there's something trapped inside my skin and i need to let it out 

---

i don't know what's trapped there but i think it might be me.. or my feelings. or a part of me or
something.
there's something trapped inside my skin.
or maybe i'm trapped outside it?
(can someone let me in?) 

it's something about the sensation 
                  (i want to claw apart my skin)
something about what it does to me, when it opens up and everything inside can come out and i
can try and get back in 

it's like a doorway or a cage or a floodgate or a dam
and sometimes it opens and things come out and i go in 

but it's not really ever open long enough 

because when it's open
(when i claw apart my skin) 
feelings are so busy trying trying trying to squeeze out that i can't get back inside, and i'm so
busy trying trying trying to squeeze my way back in that they can't get out 

so we just try 
                          again 
                                        and again 
                                                                and again 
                                                                                 and again and again and again 

cause there's something trapped inside my skin
or outside
(or both)
and it can't make it through without a doorway
or an opening
(or maybe a gaping wound?)

and not for lack of trying, there is nothing i can do to fix it.

i just claw apart and claw apart and claw apart my skin
and please, god please, can't someone let me in? 

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