Sadness in Our Bodies, in Texas by Adelaide Juelfs (16, Southern California)

TW: eating disorders & suicidal ideation
screams echo through the walls of the house
and ricochet off cold blue bones
landing in our laps with the fire ants
that our shaky legs landed in
running outside, begging Death to leave our hearts alone 

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​Mary holds me as we laugh
and cry, we can’t do this anymore
no one is helping us
we lay on the dirt, face up to the sky, and scream

it’s a Texas midnight
and the whole house is begging God to strike down on us
with lightning and end it, to set us free

we laugh as the fire ants bite everywhere, I want to die
and we laugh again, how did we end up here

another girl is walking past the crabgrass
and the cicada filled trees, towards the fence
and it looks like she wants to run away
or get run over, we don’t know
but we tell her No. No, please come back inside.

everything is bigger in Texas
the hurt, the empty walls, the blood red moon in August

I want to hold every last bit
of each of their pain in my palms
climb up to God with a lexicon of sadness in my hands
and ask him why

ask him how the same girls that sang to him on Sunday
huddled in the hallway
could have so much agony inside of them

so much suffering
that they tried to starve it out of their bodies