Raw by Keiran Elden (18, New York)

[Content warning: self-harm and suicidal ideation]

There was nothing to look forward to
Tomorrow looked like 
Today looked like 
Yesterday
The entire world was grayscale except for
In bright flashes of aching sepia and
Bursts of unbearable
Blurred saturation
And the weight of every single thing rested comfortably
Behind my eyelids
Breaking my spine

---

There was no memory
I couldn’t mimic that smile anymore
The one I had in that picture of me
From when I was a little girl
That little girl never existed
At least
I didn’t think she had

There was no respect
My mind had no censor
My body was a tool, a shell
For me to twist and mutilate
A filter that once told me
Don’t think of those things
Was burnt to ashes on the ground

There was no compassion
I hated everything about myself
Every
Fucking
Thing
And there was no room for exception
It seemed impossible to care enough
About anything or anyone
And yet I cared so much it drove me mad
All those times I told myself
I could be a martyr
Were really death wishes in disguise

There was no rationality
My head turned everything into
A catastrophe
My own screams deafened me
To what I knew made sense
To what I knew might save me
Like a blind girl solving a puzzle
Fitting the pieces together
But never seeing the picture

There was no hope
I was in a tunnel, telling myself
The light at the end was an illusion
And so I refused to leave
There was no when I grow up
Only before I die
Enough was a useless word
I could never catch up to

There was
No
Way
Out
As I waited patiently for someone to
Fucking save me
Until I realized
Only I
Could save myself