Owning Up by Christine Xu (15, California)

I greet friends with a smile, laugh
To convince them I’m okay;
But then when alone, I plunge

Into my usual dark hole
Where images swarm, ridicule me
Powerless to fight back.

---

Rather I conjure a last conversation
With repeated replay as I cringe, 
More flustered each time.

I brood about it, seek 
A substitute for the stupidity 
Of my comments but blank out.

Naught relieves my sheepish state;
I fear the future, foresee calamity
With every connection.

Falling deeper into the chasm,
I try to block such thoughts;
But they keep barging in regardless.

Negativity chokes me, submerged
In the abyss of self-doubt,
Still with my own fake smile.

​