Out of Reasons by Nikolai Dimasilaw (15, Philippines)

[Trigger warning: suicide. Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255]

​There are three things on the table
     The Godfather     a bottle of painkillers     and a letter saying why
The bottle is still sealed and the book is half-finished and I still want to know what happens to Sonny Corleone he’s my favourite character from the book because he’s fiery-tempered and not so cunning and just so riveting and interesting this is one of the best books I’ve ever read even though I know I’ll never finish this book and my letter is in nasty nearly-unreadable scrawls in ink wet and smudged with tears and old dried blood on scratch paper full of tiny old doodles from school and I’m going to open the bottle now yes I’m opening it right now tearing off the seal and pouring some pills in my hand as the container goes klak klak klak and I’m about to shove them in my mouth if I’m not too scared to do it because even though I really really really want to know what happens there’s no other reason for me to continue on except for​

---

    shallow
    shallow
    bits
​like The Godfather and my mother’s basil and Law & Order and the colour yellow and small dogs and anime and mobile games and classical music and Socrates and iced tea and salt and pepper and friends and bunnies and rubies and heavy metal and suspenders and Les Miserables and smart slacks and cold water and my sunflowers and colourful markers and candy and good friends and good food and good movies and good books and
     every
     little
     ​thing
and they are
     very
     tiny
     things
but they are
     beautiful
     little
     things
I funnel the pills back into their bottle
     and I crumple up the note and throw it in the trash
     and I open up The Godfather to my bookmarked page
     and I begin to read.