of late night conversations by Rachelle Wong (14, California)

i. positivity 
i've always been taught that positivity makes a good day 
but i’m positive that i’m down right now; 
i'm positive i want to lay on the ground so at least i can catch my breath
but then i'm positive people will trample me and i’m already hurting;

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but i'm positive i can’t show that because positivity positivity positivity;
i'm positive that i need to slap a smile on my face and act like i'm happy / just act like i'm happy;
but i'm positive it hurts and i'm positive that inside i'm completely broken /
every last bit is shattered but go on; keep acting like you're whole, 
because i'm positive no one will notice, so at least someone will think i'm positive. 

ii. joy 
amidst the deepest trials, the deepest joy can be found, they said 
so maybe this trial isn't deep enough even though it feels like i've hit rock bottom;
they keep telling me that the sadness in me has covered up the joy in my heart
but if joy were a precious stone that outshines my sadness / 
it’s sunk to the bottom of a pool filled with my tears; 
and i can't find it / teach me how to restore it; 
don't tell me to slow down and breathe because right now 
breathing isn't an option; my head's underwater and the air i long to inhale /
is too far above me; i wonder how my heart's still throbbing 
but it's using up all my strength; i hope you'll understand if i tell you 
i don't have enough energy to find the joy. (i know you won't.) 

iii. "i'm fine" 
people always ask me how i'm doing and i know i've got a few options:
i’m fine / or i’m not fine; 
too often the first one comes out of my mouth and i know; 
i know you wonder how i'll ever receive help if i keep saying i'm fine 
but the truth is being fine is the easiest way to slip through the rest of the day /
unnoticed; so then i can go home in one piece without anyone finding /
the brokenness i'm hiding behind this costume i wear 
because to be honest, getting through the day is a success in and of itself
and if being fine is the only way to do it then so be it; i'm fine.

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