Nine Thoughts for Nine Lives by Jasmine Kapadia (16, California)*

annie asks me, do i want to zoom tonight and i say no. annie says, okay, that’s fine. annie says, hope to see you next week then! annie says, we’ll miss you xx.
1. there’s a sad song playing in my head but there’s no music and the lyrics are taking the form of dull hammering against my forehead
2. it’s like, okay, i want to write but i’ve forgotten how
3. on tuesday night i’m planning to stand on the roof during the thunderstorm. i want to feel my shirt clinging to my skin and i want to drink from the clouds 
          a. and i want to scream into the abyss like, do you think when nu wa made hands for humankind she knew that mine would feel empty all the time

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4. i want to be struck by lightning
5. let’s burn down the sky together. when childhood is over the dream ends too and then we are standing there like what does this all mean when did i get so lonely where has everyone gone why why why why
6. i think today i understand it clearer, teenager is a synonym for blasphemy, which means the prayers die on my tongue and that is okay except it’s not
7. is it normal to feel like you are running running running and this is just the first life, imagine the second, imagine the third, imagine what happens when my skin is falling off of my bones and my head is exploding like those containers of jelly that the third graders used to throw at the cafeteria wall
8. maybe when we die there is no reincarnation and no afterlife. maybe we just die and that is it, and we put dirt on and that is that and there is no ceremony and we just never wake up, and that is the end of everything
9. i guess the universe is funny like that