maybe i should've checked no by Via Sheahin (15, Illinois)

[content warning: sexual assault]
​
i curl my legs against my chest, sucking my thumb gently, drinking my tears like water.
it's all my fault.
the fabric of my clothes felt suffocating as i clutch the ends of my shirt in my fist,
it was just a game. it's my fault. i agreed to play.
but the invisible scars of his hands stain my skin,
even then i wished i didn't have to wait seven years for them to fade.
it's seven years later now, and i can still feel his unwanted touch.
too young, too small, too little to be feeling so violated;
was it really a game if i was too young to understand what was wrong

seven years later, i'm sitting in the counselors office, fiddling with my fingers and sitting lowly
in my chair.
the counselor lowers her glasses at me and turns the page around, pointing at the term at the
bottom of the page.
history of sexual abuse/rape.
it was checked yes. i checked it off. what was i thinking?
"is this true?"
i shrugged.
she asked again.
my eyes drifted to my converse, tapping against the floor rapidly, matching the pace of my
heartbeat.
my mind raced for an answer.
i shrugged again, forcing words out of my suddenly dried mouth.
"it was a while ago. it was mild."
"it was big enough for you to check off."
that's not fair.
memories flashed across my mind as she pushed questions into my full hands; my hands were
full with regret, with denial, with the acceptance of the trauma, slipping further as she pushed to
know more.
this isn't fair.
i shrugged and avoided her questions, wishing i had never brought it up in the first place.
i wanted it out of my head, out of my mouth, the sour taste of the memory burning in my throat.
i should've checked no.
i should've, i could've,
maybe if i had lied i wouldn't be sitting here feeling barely alive, your questions burning holes in
my healed heart, maybe i would've checked no.
but saying no didn't work when he touched me;
why would it work now?

it took seven years for his touch to dissolve off my skin.
i won't wait any more for this story to be out of your mouth.
maybe i should've checked no.