I Do(n't) Know by Ella Mask (17, Utah)

I wasn’t always this way 
I don’t know when things changed, 
but I know in elementary school 
I didn’t throw up because someone dragged me to a party 
​
I didn’t stay in bed because the thought of 
talking to people drove me to tears

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I didn’t hide in the bathroom at lunch 
because I knew nobody and nobody knew me,
because I’d rather eat a sandwich on the toilet
than look people in the eye 

I wanted to become a speck of dust when 
someone banged on the stall door and told me
to hurry up 

I know in middle school I didn’t have a problem
standing up and introducing myself to the class
My knees didn’t knock and my mind didn’t short-circuit
when I shared three interesting things I did that summer 

Is there anything interesting about sitting back down
and biting your tongue so hard you taste blood
because you stuttered over your words? 

I know in middle school I wouldn’t have 
automatically assumed those girls in the back row
were laughing 
at me 

I don’t know the day 
or even the month 
when things changed, 
but now I’m in high school and 
I know things are different 

On Friday night I check the group chat,
the one I haven’t texted in months 
For a moment, I consider buying a ticket 
to the dance they’re going to 
I imagine the strobe lights, the screaming crowd,
the sweaty bodies crushed together, 
and my heart pounds faster than someone 
having their first kiss—not that I know 
what it’s like 

But I do know 
I will never be the girl who can meet new boys
without crying when she looks in the mirror
because there was food stuck in her teeth all night 

I will never be the girl who can drive to a friend’s house
without her hands slipping off the wheel 
because her palms are slick with sweat 

I will never be the girl who can make conversation
without TV static roaring in her ears 
because her brain tuned in to a dead channel 

But I do know 
things will get better, because 
that’s what every motivational poster says 

So I’m waiting for things to get better 
I’ll let you know if they do