god can you hear me by Roman Sage Tan (16, Singapore)*

i 
god can you hear me 
i’ve been having some strange dreams 

of a boy resting underneath a cherry tree
barely clothed under its bare limbs 

his hair slicked back like a mound
of gold resting atop naked scalp

---

like water, i am drowning in confusion and
questions no one could answer, or explain 

the inexplicable, ineffable urge to walk
over and chat and lie on him as the sun set 

and to pour my heart out in hopes
that he would pour his out too
 
but that couldn’t be — could it? 
mother said that you hated boys who love boys 

and i love you 
and i won’t do anything you hate 

ii 
god can you hear me 
i am seeing this guy from high school 

he is gentle and loving 
like the soft moss on an early spring morning

like air, he fills my body so that 
we can float with each other endlessly 

wandering around the damp forest floor
away from the biting sunlight 

and as he braces his entire body, his strength
against mine as he swoops in from behind 

like a kingfisher laying its hands on fish
juggling it in his beak before swallowing it headfirst 

consuming me from head to toe, from inside
out 

but that couldn’t be — could it? 
mother said that you hated boys who love boys 

and i love you, 
and i won’t do anything you hate 

iii 
god can you hear me 
i am in church right now 

as the priest delivers his homily and 
talks about the sins of humanity 

adultery, gluttony, jealousy 
blasphemy, thievery, homosexuality

an affront to basic human morality 
a transgression against god’s divinity 

i can feel the marian statues glaring at me
the apostles shaking their heads towards me 

the stained glass windows casting a lonely shadow
the holy water recoiling in the font by the door 

mother said that you hated boys who love boys
father said that you hated boys who love boys 

and i love you, 
and i won’t do anything you hate 

iv 
god can you hear me 
today is my wedding day 

i am dressed in a black tuxedo; 
it is a formal occasion 

i am marrying the love of my life, 
my girlfriend of four months 

and as the petals from the cherry tree 
withered and fell as the autumnal skies turned grey 

i am reminded of the boy in my dreams
the half-naked, golden-haired boy whom

i once was in love with, 
but again, that can’t be right 

mother said that you hate boys who love boys
everyone said that you hate boys who love boys 

and i love you, 
and i won’t do anything you hate​