Friendships by Anonymous (17, China)

​Sel sent me a postcard from Paris, made a phone call from Montevideo, and mailed a package from Nepal.

​I wrote back to her - my fingers wrapped tightly around the wooden colored pencils she sent me last summer, the ones engraved with poorly translated Romanian phrases in gold.

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Letters and gifts were momentary joys - constant reminders that across the world, someone from a distant memory thought of our conversations when we were 14.

Perhaps that was illusory - a projection of my brain onto her brain, a platonic love note to fleeting vignettes of time. And those seconds that crawl up the nape of my neck, like the slow ticking of a time-bomb were a feeling instead of a sound.

Many times I was stuck, feeling insecure about the tiniest thing I did while maintaining my friendship with Sel.

I lost my first best friend and “replaced” her with Sel four years ago - not lost as in dead but lost as in we only text each other on new year’s eve now. Movies don’t tell you that a dying friendship is like the sinking of a ship. I try to get higher and higher and hold onto the rails and unanswered messages, the captain tries to steer it to safety and salvage pieces of two broken hearts.

Movies also don’t tell you that friendships don’t end after one fight. Growing apart is a part of the growing pain: it’s like the rusting of a deserted boat, or the slow decay of flesh and well-hidden secrets. It took months, until one day I woke up and realized I hadn’t thought of her in a while. Replacing a stale friendship encompasses guilt, as I still memorize her home number by heart. Coming across her in the streets is like breathing in an unfamiliar scent that instantly takes you back to the summer of 2015. If I had been more active and put down my ego just a little bit more often, perhaps the outcome would have been completely different.

We got together for our similarities, the ones we had in 5 th grade, and drifted apart due to drastically different life paths. The foundation of our relationship – the seemingly significant but childish shared interests – was not as solid as we thought after all. I suppose in every phase of our lives, we will have a best friend. We will experience teenage angst, college struggles, and navigations through adulthood with our best friend – their company is a crucial part of our growth, but when our lessons are learned, their presence slowly dissipates into the background, intentionally or not.

​It’s been four years since I lost my first best friend.