egg shells by Joy Chen (16, Hong Kong)

[Content warning: child abuse, violence]
​
You could have felt safe in your own skin.

​Should have.

Razor blades in your throat and nowhere to go,
dragged out by the collar
squirming and unhappy, 
from the cardboard box in which you used to hide
inspired by that SpongeBob episode:

---

‘the Idiot Box’,

pretending it was your own little world. ​
You were only eight &
                    she slammed you against the wall,
& grabbed a pair of scissors; held them close to your face, 
Voice trembling with love and rage, 
                    ​“If you do that again I’ll kill you”
​

Snips & the long black strands cascade to the ground
Along with your too-skinny body,                    
Gangly and still flat-chested,
Tears streaming
from her eyes and searing 
through the cuts on your bloodied lips. 

​

You catch your breath,
See your big sister, guardian angel, always looking out for you, 
“Stop it 妈(1) !” she moans,  
Another blow to the jaw.
She shuts her eyes tight and shudders at your living nightmare,
constellations swirl through your eyes, 
Five times five is twenty-five &
you wonder if your baby sister has woken 
from the noise & 
your knees are cold.
January in Beijing yet you still wore shorts,
Now you wished you weren’t so bold.

Your mother, mummy, Ma Ma 
Points at the blood dripping from your swollen mouth,
you, a sobbing, incoherent 8 year old girl, 
“If you do anything like her I’ll do that to you too!”
Force your sister to open her eyes, watch. 
“对不起, 对不起妈妈” (2)
you kneel at her feet and beg-
for forgiveness:
you learned to lie through your teeth at a very young age &
shame infects your insides.​

You went in to school wanting the days to end,
                    “Nice haircut!”
                                        Smiling, 
                                        squeaky voice,
                                        "Thanks, I wanted a change" &
                    the urge to claw out your insides.

You avoided every mirror
in the house
​for the next two weeks.

When pregnant hens do not have enough calcium to make the eggshells that house their offspring, keep them protected until they are exposed to the big wide world outside, they dissolve their own bones to add to the shell.

It’s a big house, 
You’ve always wondered what it was hiding:
maggots in the foundations,
or instability in the winter months?
She was born two weeks ago, 
slimy and vulnerable and 
wanting to crawl back into the warmth, 
you’re sure, fluorescent lamps and world-class doctors, and she, 
like everyone else in this world, came in screaming.
Tiny eyes squinting at the onrush of light, 
big people, strange faces,
funny faces,
starfish hands stretching out to touch
and there it is: a baby elephant’s smile and 
I love her so much -
you are an atheist, 
but she is a gift from God;
& you pray every night that she doesn’t turn out like you. ​

​(1) -  Chinese for “Mum”
(2) -  “Sorry, sorry Ma Ma”. Your heart rate still increases tenfold when your mother starts to yell