depersonalization derealization by Emma Chin (14, New York)

i’ve always been 
in sync 
with my outer body and inner soul 
never imagining that one day 
they would be on two sides 
of an imposing wall. ​

---

but sometimes 
for entirely stupid reasons 
the wall 
comes between my body 
and my mind 
and i am trapped between the glass. 

i futilely pound against it 
screaming to be let out 
to reunite with my body 
but sometimes 
the wall is so thick 
i can barely hear my own voice. 

i’m a spectator 
in my own body 
watching myself from the outside 
and feeling as if my limbs 
are not right 
and though i should feel pain, i can’t. 

time also becomes a lie 
it’s either too fast or too slow 
either way, it’s entirely 
out of control 
but i can’t bring myself 
to care. 

reality becomes warped 
and i drive myself crazy with the questions
did i do this, or only imagined doing it
why am i here, i don’t remember coming down
i can’t even trust my memories 
and i can’t feel anything when i think of them. 

but the scariest thing of all 
is the numbness
that’s both physical and emotional 
it’s large and consuming and draining 
and it takes me an hour to feel again 
though all i feel after that is fatigue. 

in the beginning all i felt was fear 
i would lie in bed at night and these feelings would hit
though i shouldn’t call them feelings, for they were not so
still, i convinced myself i was fine 
until it happened during the day 
and then i couldn’t hide any more. 

now, though, i’ve accepted 
the depersonalization and the derealization i
’ve accepted that often in my life 
i will dissociate 
and i know that this is simply just a part of me
nothing more, nothing less. 

in the end, i endure.

​