ache of impermanence by Meena Puram (Cleveland)

Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation
i look up at the stars and i look and i think
and keep searching,
​why are those little lights in the sky 

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more important than my desire
to be up there with them?
is the sound of a supernova louder than the shattering of the china
on the marble floor? is the red of the giant hotter than the sting of the blood
pouring out of my fingers? is the weight of the blackhole more destructive than the
loop in my mind where my car gets hit
by a speeding truck and lands upside
down 500 feet off the course of the
highway as it becomes encapsulated
by thirsty flames?
i fantasize about dipping my toes into boiling water, and as i climb into the
pot, i’ll remain unbothered heat that begins
to suffocate me. i’ll watch the layers
of fat underneath my skin flake away
into oblivion, and i’ll cry sweet, heavy tears.
i want ice crystals to form on
my skin. i want my blood to retreat to the frigidness creeping through my epidermis.
i want my tears to follow suit. i want my eyes and
my lips to be sealed as my mind endlessly wrestles with my mortality. i want to learn
to surrender to the will of nature.
and i want the ache of my impermanence to bring me peace at last. 

Meena Puram (she/her) is an Indian-American writer from Cleveland, Ohio. Her work has been published on Ice Lolly Review and she now works as a General Editor for The Trailblazer Review. She's passionate about environmental justice and considers herself an avid feminist. In her free time you can find her reading feminist literature, doodling, or watching video essays. ​