A Series of Voicemails by Madi Yang (15, California)

[Content warning: Implied Eating Disorder]

[1:02 pm]
Hey… it's me. Um. I swear this isn’t spam. You know me. We were best friends in kindergarten? Do you remember that? You probably don't. I know I haven't seen you in, like, more than a decade, but I'm about to change that very soon. So. Yeah. Just a heads up.

[1:29 pm]
You know, people always said I'm guai guai. Which is really funny, because they wouldn't say that if they saw me right now. 
​
[1:31 pm]
Sorry, you're not Chinese, so you have no idea what that means. Guai guai, it's just a term used to describe, like, a good kid. An obedient daughter. A respectful son. The kind of kid whose aunties and uncles and teachers and classmates’ parents’ gush over. Basically, me, I guess. [laughs] Well, that's what they think. They wouldn't think I was so perfect if they knew. ​

​[1:40 pm]
I mean I’m technically not breaking the rules because no one ever said to not go ride a train across the state to go see your old friend. It's fine though. They won't notice. No one notices anything I do. They can't even tell when I don’t eat. 

[1:51 pm]
Why aren't you picking up? Your mom told my mom that you were on your phone all day. Always on Instagram, TikTok. Maybe the rehab center people took away your phone. 

[1:53 pm]
Oh wait. You probably don't recognize my number. 

[2:00 pm]
You know what, this is really dumb. I clearly don't know what I'm doing. But you know me. When I have an idea in my head, I have to do something about it. Do you remember when we were five, my parents were late picking me up, and I thought they died. I was so sure they died that I tried to walk home. Remember that? Come to think of it, I guess randomly going places alone has always been sort of my coping mechanism. It's really bad. But it's better than… well, you know. Taking it out on myself. 

[2:16 pm]
There's this old man on the train, white hair, wrinkled, dotted skin. And it makes me sad. I know, I'm insanely sensitive, but sometimes I see people like this, with walking canes or screaming babies, or stressed about taxes, or distraught over deaths of their family and friends, and I never want that to be me. I'm scared of time, how it always moves and never stops to wait for anyone. Maybe I just want this train to crash and it all to end. I'm so tired. I just want it all to be done. 

[2:17 pm]
But then I'd never see you again.

[2:23 pm]
I wish we would've stayed friends. Then maybe you wouldn't have gone spiraling down like this. You could've stuck with all my happy, innocent friends. They say you are who you hang out with. Although they also say you are what you eat. If you are what you eat, then the both of us, I guess we’re nothing. [short laugh]

[2:25 pm]
I'm sorry, that's not funny. Also, I don't know why I said that part about maybe you would've gone down a better path, because we're literally walking the same freaking road of starvation with a ten percent chance of death floating over our heads. It's just that, when people see me, they see someone who has it all together. Like I said- guai guai. And to be honest, I still see myself that way too. Like I am perfect. But I’m not. I’m so broken and messy and… 

[2:26 pm]
I’m sorry, I’m ranting.

[2:35 pm]
Please understand me. I know I'm crazy and weird, but I care. More than anyone. That's why I'm on this train. If someone would ride a train for hours to come help me… [sigh] maybe things would be different. I don’t know. It’s just that, maybe I'm awkward and no fun to play video games with, or to take out to boba, or to go shopping at the mall with. Maybe I’m not the one you first tell when your crush asks you out, or when you got the perfect haircut that frames your face just right. But if you’re at the breaking point at two in the morning, I’ll pull some crazy stunt and show up at your front door with some chocolate and a hug.

[2:41 pm]
Plus, this making yourself starve? I get that. I get you. When your mom told my mom, and my mom told me… Like, a rehab center? I can't even… [deep breath] It’s just, I had to come. Because I know what it’s like to live with a poisonous brain. To be silently decomposing in the back of class, on the couch at home. To secretly want someone to notice, at the same time while assuring people you’re not hungry. I ate before this already. I’ll eat when I get home. I’m fine. I’m fine. [voice cracks] And it’s hard, you know? But I’ll be here for you.

[3:08 pm]
I'm getting off the train. I'm going to walk to the rehab center now. Expect me in like twenty minutes. 

[3:15 pm]
Do you ever walk down the street and feel like everyone passing by in the cars is staring at you and judging you? I wonder what people see when they see me. My cousin said I seemed different when I saw her last week. I don’t know what she meant, but maybe this whole thing with food has marked me in ways I can’t tell. 

[3:24 pm]
I took a wrong turn. I'm so smart. Sorry. 

[3:40 pm]
I’m here… I think. I’m gonna check in with the front office and take it from there. I don’t even know if you’ve gotten any of these messages. But it’s fine, I’ll see you very soon. Okay?