4 ways to spell fire & ice by Anuva Chowdhury (16, Bangladesh)*

[content warning: self harm, eating disorder, mentions of sexual assault, internalized homophobia, OCD rituals]

1. i practise folding myself into a matchbox. keep an hourglass in my bathroom to remember what to become. and now: i am always out of time. my hair falls out before my body falls in; i broke a mirror with my edges and my skin broke too. know this: i was someone before i was my unmaking. 

f orks, swords. spoons, distorted mirrors. there is
i rony in saving yourself when it hurts. i try to
r inse my mouth of hunger. (someday i won’t flinch when i  
e at)

---

2. i don’t leave the house alone. faceless men and cigarettes. the ghosts of their handprints don’t wash off.  i throw out my favourite shirts and leave my soul in my bedsheets every morning. there is nowhere to go. these days i wake up
    
f alling. and
i don't like to be touched. not since that night in the marketplace and
r andom grabbing hands. now i see demons in everyone's 
e yes.

3. the world is ending. stop. listen. that is the sound of something breaking. shhh. let the crows sing. but don't feel it loudly. everyone pretends death isn't an inevitability. 

d ense cities, crooked skylines & streets; home is
e asy to lose. the
a ir here will kill you.
t hey make it abroad and send it
h ere for free

4. my mother has me pray to keep the nightmares at bay. i drag my nights into my day. why does exhaustion never slow my nerves? compulsions distributed down my spinal cord. 

d ear ammu, are you
e ver afraid you’ll drown in your sleep? i keep myself
a wake, my rituals circular. how much
t herapy before i am hollow?
h ow much more before i heal?